WTF?

60 mins of yoga and 240 mins of trainer last week. Good, thoughtful eating. The numbers result this morning? Up 4 from last week. I don't want to sound over dramatic and say that this is devestating, but dang. Right now I'm fighting the urge to dump my healthy lunch and go and get something bad for me. I know that in the long run it would make me feel worse and I'm not going to do that, but that feeling of getting the bad for me items is stronger today than it has been in ages.

We don't drown because we fall in water... we drown because we don't get out.

-Chinese Proverb

I rec'd this in an email from someone:

"What is it that you really want? Really think about this because this commitment must be complete and without waiver."

I cannot tell you the rush of emotion that went through me, nor why it did.

The ride last night helped and it pushed me down to nearly 3 off this week. I know that the majority of it was due to water.

I tried something a bit different and stopped at home and ate a little before putting on the clown outfit. It seemed to help a bit.... except for feeling chunks nearly erupting at the top of one climb.

Also refrained from any of the snacks that were out post-ride. I did thoroughly enjoy 2 Molson Canadians though. Maybe it was a good compromise.

I am finding myself very much in the midst of a bad catch 22. Has me very down and I'm really struggling to get past it.

297.6/87

Barely Moving the Needle

297.7/88

Now I don't even know why I'm down. Should be much further down at this point. Becoming difficult to maintain a good attitude about it.

I Don't Know

298.0/89

I've been going up the last few days and I don't know why. I've gone over my intake and I see no reason for it. I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm headed right back to that level I didn't ever want to see again. I've fought urges to have extra helpings or snacks until I'm sure that it's truly the signal that my body is sending to me. Many times it turns out to be thirst or by waiting for long enough I knew that my hunger had been satisfied. The fruit/veggie intake has been 4-6 servings per day. I'm just not happy right now. Not that I expect the quick drops that I was first experiencing, but this going back up is really making me fight to do the right thing and not have a defeatist attitude.

Eat right,

Big Steve

297.0/90

Sorry, been away from here for a few days. Was a good weekend. Wish that first number had dropped a bit more, but I'm happy with it after last weekend's fiasco.

296.8/94

Big drop today. My guess is it was mostly water from last nights spin.

Coming Back Down

298.2/95

Better. Back ahead of last week. Trying to keep a clear head about my weekend stumble, not beat myself up too much, learn from it and keep my eye on the bigger picture. Good breakfast this morning and the mid-morning snack is done. Feeling good today. Looking forward to my spin tonight.

Eat right,

Big Steve

Falling Down

I fell this weekend. Hard. Hard enough to the point that I didn't want to post yesterday morning. Monday would have brought the following numbers: 301.8/97. I still need to put up these numbers or I'm not looking at actual accountability to myself. It hurt to go up. It hurt to see the digits. Downfall? Pizza and wings... twice. And some other not so good things. A couple of trainer rides didn't seem to help much. Well, on the surface anyway. I'm sure that they did. Eating yesterday was back to what it should have been, but my guts bubbled with anger. That's a good and bad thing. The bloated feeling that I had most of yesterday, especially yesterday morning, is gone and I feel pretty normal again now. Eating today is giving the right kind of satisfaction. Spun last night for awhile while Julie ellipticalled - I'm sure that's a word. More of the same tonight.

Today's numbers: 299.6/96. Better than yesterday, but when compared to a week ago it's the same. I need to get back to where I was the end of last week and continue the correct downward trend.

Eat right,

Big Steve

297.8/100

It's amazing how much fluctation there is on a day to day basis. Could drive me insane if I weren't reminding myself to look at a whole week, not just a day.

299.0/101

298.4/102

298.8/103

299.6/104

I think the outdoor ride yesterday helped. Even if it didn't, that's the first small goal/chunk that I can mark off. Homemade grilled pizzas last night. Very tasty and so much better knowing exactly what's in it.

Color Me Confused

300.8/105

This was not what I expected to see this morning. Not complaining, just not expected. Had a bigger breakfast and not as many fruits and veggies throughout the day. Then, for dinner, Julie's 'rents came over so we could make a meal for my mother-in-law's birthday. I brined a couple of chickens, made garlic smashed red-skinned potatoes and corn. Basic meal, but very tasty. I fell back into the habit of eating too quickly. Before I knew it, the over-sized chicken breast and my servings of potatoes and corn were gone. I looked at everyone else's plates to see their meals only half finished. I still had hunger going and was really ready to dig into more of what appeared was going to be a large amount of leftovers. I set down my utensils and waited. Julie noticed that I was sitting there not eating and not taking anymore and asked what was wrong. I replied, "Nothing, I'm just waiting." She immediately caught what I was saying and knew I was waiting to see if my satisfied trigger was going to trip. A few minutes more and it did. I started to clean up as we all chatted and then faced dessert head-on. Julie had gone to the little local Italian bakery and picked up three larger than life eclairs - which are some of the best around - and one piece of tiramisu. I had my smallish piece of one of my favorite things. I decided when I started this that I wasn't going to deny myself things, but rather, be much smarter about things. I guess that's what made the difference, but after the larger than needed intake yesterday I thought that surely I'd be up a bit.

Eat right,

Big Steve

Hmmmm

302.4/107

Have no idea why I was up this morning. Re-tracked yesterday and I have no real answer. I did double up on my dinner portion of broiled talapia, but I doubt that's the culprit. Not upest about this and I know that I probably shouldn't be doing a daily check, but I'm trying to track patterns here and this upswing has me touch perplexed.

301.4/108

Vendor in on Tuesday, lunch meeting yesterday. Thought today was going to be awful. Very glad that bro-in-law and I did a spin. Harder effort than he wanted to, but hey, I needed it. Looking to be below the 3 in a couple of days.

Lovin' the healthy lunch right now... plus it's very filling... and nearly all veggies.

302.8/109

Back to Saturday's number. Lunch yesterday was a downfall, but I made very good choices for dinner. I've also started paying attention to little signs during my eating. Hoping to be below the 3 level by the end of the weekend.

303.4/110

It was a rough weekend. Under the circumstances, I didn't revert to being as bad as I normally would have. Not a huge upturn, but it went up nonetheless. Back on track again. Tomorrow should be better.

Down Again

302.8/113

Okay, by now I've come to realize that my diet was complete crap and that's how it was making me feel. I've dropped more than I thought I would. I've been keeping up on fluids so I'm hoping that this isn't just water weight. I am now in the more difficult part of the week... the weekend. Breakfast went well. Silk pumpkin spice pancakes, 1/2 a pear, 1/2 an apple, glass of water. I slowly masticated until I felt satisfied. That, too, seems to be very key. slowing down so that I actually get the signal that I'm getting full before I pound another pound or two of food down my throat. Wanted to get the family out for a walk today, but we're still in single digits. Pre-playoff game spin planned tomorrow. Hope that tomorrow morning and Monday morning will be good reports.

Eat right,

Big Steve

304.2/114

Adjusting well. Food choices have been good. More importantly, planning ahead and making the portions the right size have been good. Doing well heading into the weekend, we'll see how it goes when I'm home all day and don't have the work day to divert my attention.

305.0/115

Screaming headache today. And dehydrated. Maybe from not enough intake after the spin last night. A bit of caff and some fluids, hope it subsides. Down another .4... I'll take it.

Eat right,

Big Steve

Update

Well, that's 2.1 since the highpoint of this tracking. I had a good feeling last night about the meter would tell me this morning. I did, however, have a headache all day yesterday. It's still hanging around today, but it is much more dull. So, my guess is that the headache is still due to something I've cut out or seriously cut back on over the last few days. Had a wrap for lunch today that I was hoping would be like one of DB's creations. It was good, but, alas, there was no real comparison. I was also able to not typically grab what I normally would have for lunch today. By this I mean that I was able to practice a lot of conscious thought and not grab what I normally would have from the store where I was today. Some of you may be appalled at what I used to do for lunch. But, I did what I wanted without thought or care of what it was really doing to me. Few can understand the effort that I had to put in today to keep from going straight back to that old habit. I am going to mark today as a very good day on this blog.

Eat right,

Big Steve

305.4/116

307.3/117

Down a quarter. Small, but it's in the right direction. Getting a headache today. My guess is it's from something that I've cut out. We'll see.

Well, today mostly went well. I made a mistake by not having enough breakfast and was "starving" about 2-1/2 hours later. I had some good snacks in the fridge at work and made the best of it.

I also had trouble during what seems to be my biggest downfall/weakest point. That time is right after work before I begin making dinner. I normally don't feel hungry at that time, but I always seem to want to eat. What makes it worse is it doesn't seem to hamper my ability to feast 1/2 to 1 hour later. Today was difficult during that time, but at least I made the effort to measure out a serving and step away from the source after that. Far less than I normally would have eaten. A conscious decision that I hope I can continue. Once I started making our planned dinner, my attention was diverted and I seemed to be okay.

I did fall short of my fruit/veggie and water intake daily goals today. But, even now, nearly two hours after dinner, I don't have a hungry feeling.

I also made another decision that I'm going to try to keep. Right after dinner, I made Sam's meals for school tomorrow. Because I was still quite satisfied from dinner, I had no urge to pick at anything else.

Hopefully tomorrow will have a good morning number and go well.

Eat right,

Big Steve

307.5/118

I feel like crap today. Don't know if it's the change in diet the last couple of days or if it's being back to work after three-day weekend.

Went up a bit again. Don't like that at all. Hoping that tomorrow will produce at least a little immediate gratification.

First Real Entry

307.2/119

With Julie's family Christmas yesterday, the holidays are officially over. Made some choices yesterday. Some good, some not as good. Couple those food choices with not even breaking into double digits for temps yesterday which kept me inside and the results are easily seen above. I'm not upset about it because I know there's bound to be a few upswings on that first number. I also need to remind myself that I started this during a difficult time of year. My hope from this is that seeing things posted daily will keep me more accountable. I'm not alone in this task, but I'm the only one who can truly make it happen.

At this point, I do not know what will happen on this blog. I will merely be entering thoughts and feelings from that day that it may help me track why I do certain things. People that don't have the issues with food that I have will not and do not understand what someone like me goes through. I have often heard from people, "Well, just don't eat it," or "Stop eating like that." Hey, if it were that simple, do you really think I'd be at the point I am? I understand that it is all choices and certainly there has been no one that has held me down and forced calories into me. But, I cannot tell you how many times I find myself standing in front of the the open refrigerator or pantry eating handfuls of whatever is in there without any real conscious thought of what I'm doing until afterward. Boredom? Maybe. Depression? Maybe. Lack of healthy activity? Yes. Indifference toward myself? Maybe. One of my goals is to figure out why these things are happening to me and what is triggering my actions.

Julie and I have had some long discussions about this. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful, supportive lady at my side who is accepting of my downfalls and is willing to help me work through them.

This morning, we sat down and laid out our menu for the week. This also generates the grocery list for the week and a plan for cooking. We discovered that when we don't have this plan, we throw together anything that is lying around. This leads to fueling up on less than great foods (health-wise, certainly not taste-wise) that are not helping this plight.

The next step(s)? Back to proper portions, slowing down the intake and practicing thorough mastication. Sounds so basic, but I believe that this is where I need to start. Along with this, I have a checklist to make sure that I'm getting my five servings of fruits and vegetables as well as enough water.

For those of you who stop in, I can promise nothing. You may or may not help support me. You may or may not choose to read the entries. You may find me and my thoughts interesting, you may find them excruciatingly boring.

Well, enough for now. I'm off to make some much better decisions than those in recent history.

Eat right,

Big Steve

307.0/120

306.8/121